Because I'm laughing here. What a joke. I mean really how am I supposed to take a movie seriously when it starts with an animated back-story segment that is so bloody and gory that my ClearPlay player would be just about steaming from overwork (please read down to the Motherly Advice for more details).
When the post-apocalyptic world counts on The Church to keep them safe from vampires, a new breed of Priest is created. However, when the Priests are no longer needed is exactly when Priest (Paul Bettany and no, his character has no other name in the movie) must decide if The Church really knows what's best for him. His niece has been kidnapped and his sister and brother in law killed and he knows in his heart that it was vampires who did it. Now he will go hunt them, find them and destroy them...and all while trying to talk like Batman.
If you like movies with a weak plot line then rent this one. If you love laughing out loud at the ridiculousness of the forced 'bad' guy characters then really you should order this on Netflix tonight. Do you think that silly painted crosses on people's faces make them look rough, tough and ironically saint-like? Then don't walk, run and get this movie during your lunch break today! And finally, if insane amounts of cheap blood, guts and flying body parts makes you giddily happy inside then by all means go and purchase this movie right now.
Otherwise, go rent something that is actually worth the dollar and 87 minutes it'll cost you.
Paul Betanny, dear, you know I love you and I will give you at least three more chances to remind me why I do, but sir, do NOT do an action thriller movie again. It just doesn't become you.
Motherly Advice: Even with filters this movie is too violent and grotesque for youngsters. The disturbing images are many and the killed brain cells are plenty. There is no sex, only one short scene with some young girl cleavage and not a lot of language. This one just has a lot of disturbing images and a lot of ripping creatures apart and ClearPlay can only do so much.
Danielle'- Practicing My Own Batman/Priest Voice Because Apparently Everyone Needs One
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